Celebrating our Victories

The other day I had another moment which I can add to my victory list in my battles with anorexia. It is times like these I am reminded of what I am striving for, and of my success thus far. Sometimes we get so caught up in our failings. Particularly if you have already starting battling your eating disorder, things that once seemed successes now become as failures, such as failing to complete your meals or snacks, or failing to gain a certain amount of weight, or even just feeling the heaviness of failure from the number of ED thoughts that have entered your mind in a day. And often these failures can add up to overwhelming and it can feel as though you’re moving nowhere.

This is why it is so important to keep in mind our victories; those moments when we overcome the eating disorder thoughts and are able to act on the voice of our healthy mind. These moments may seem few and far between, but they are worth celebrating.

They are worth celebrating.

It may seem like a miniscule achievement, and the next day it may feel like you’ve undone the work from the previous day, but we all start somewhere. And also remember, your failures aren’t exactly failures. You are battling a terrible disorder that is pulling you with a seemingly relentless strength. It is not a failure if you are not winning every battle. If eating disorders were that easy to overcome we would not be battling them in the first place.

So, what was my victory?

Oh my goodness just look at this! A gorgeous spread of food in a beautiful location with some of my favourite people. It was an afternoon to remember. However it was something that could easily have been ruined by you-know-what.

My mum had organised to take my sister and me to high tea at a beautiful estate near where I live. While I was looking forward to the afternoon, my ED was freaking out. In the days leading up to it I was battling with my thoughts and emotions, unsure on how to act. Of course, a big part of me just wanted to enjoy the day and not worry about the calories. But I could not ignore the voice in my head telling me otherwise.

The night before, I went to bed with this resolution; that I would restrict in the morning to make up for the food I was likely to consume at the high tea. This is known as compensatory behaviour and is common in people with eating disorders. Sometimes the compensation is as a result of guilt after eating particular foods or binge episodes, sometimes pre-planned in anticipation of certain events and other times it is a response to feelings of anxiety or guilt not related to food. But anyway, I’m sure you may have felt this yourself before, so back to the story.

When I woke the next morning, however, I was feeling particularly strong. And also, I actually felt like eating breakfast. So I ate. I told myself if I was hungry, then I deserved to have some food in me. Because after 10 hours without food overnight, my body has a right to be hungry. So I ate a normal breakfast. Lunchtime came and the same thing happened. I wanted to avoid food but I was feeling hungry. So I ate.

I headed off to the high tea with a satisfied tummy and a rather excited me. Yes, I was actually looking forward to the afternoon. Because then, as I was sitting in the car with a properly fueled mind, I could think beyond the food and look forward to all aspects of the afternoon.

When the food was put down in front of me though it was a different story. That is so much food! How am I EVER supposed to eat all that?! No way can I put those things in my mouth!

Then my sister said to me, “yes you can.” And she wasn’t meaning like “yes you have to eat every single thing that is put before you”. She just meant; you can do this. You can face your fears and overcome the desire to run away and hide from all you cannot see; your loving family, the beautiful gardens outside, the sweet taste of scones on your lips and the happy tunes of conversation as we chat and share memories, ideas and friendship.

And guess what? I stayed. And I ate every damn piece of cake I wanted. I ate almost everything that was served to me. And afterward, my guilt was far outweighed by my joy in the time I had spent there. Of course I was full. And hating that feeling, I did struggle with my thoughts and emotions for a bit afterward, but the fact is I did it.  And gradually those feelings went away and I felt peaceful and content reflecting on the afternoon that had been.

I’m not trying to brag here. I’m not saying I always win or that this is an easy battle. I don’t and it’s not. But what I am showing is that there are victories; there are moments your healthy mind wins. And victories will look different for each person. A year ago for me, the victory probably would have been actually going along to the high tea and eating there, regardless of my actions before or after.

So whatever your victory is, celebrate it. In the first couple of years of recovery I never told anyone my victories or celebrated them because they always seemed to be linked to a failure. And the things I saw as victories, my family saw as failures. Eating half a meal was a victory for me. But for my family, that seemed like a failure because I hadn’t eaten the whole thing. And that is not a bad reflection on my family because they were so supportive of me and never ever told me I was failing. It was just their perceptions of what an achievement was were different to mine.

How to celebrate these victories, then? If I could have done it differently, I would have found one person I trusted to share these moments with. I would have had one friend with whom I could share my victories, even if they felt tainted by other actions that I did not perceive to be victories. There is a certain freedom in sharing your victories, in recognising the steps you are taking and realising that you can do it. There is also power in speaking those victories aloud. Every time we share a victory with someone, our eating disorder becomes a little weaker. It cannot have a hold on us when we are celebrating the very things it hates.

Ok this is dragging on a bit and I’m sure you get the idea now. But I hope this story has been an encouragement to you and a reminder that there is progress, there are victories and you can do it! I would love to hear your victories, big or small. Because they deserve to be celebrated!