The bathroom floor can be a close companion. It’s a good place to let out emotions when they catch us unawares – laying there, on the floor, as we sob over unwanted but real and present thoughts. Do you know what I’m talking about? Those “bathroom floor” moments? Those times when you are happily having a shower, minding your own business, when a thousand and one thoughts come barging into your brain, rushing through so intensely and quickly that you are unable to grasp at them all. The thoughts and feelings you usually suppress; the ones you forget are even there. And you experience the thoughts and feelings gushing over you, like the water from the showerhead above, as you finish rinsing your hair and washing your face. And then, stepping out of the shower, you end up on the bathroom floor in a pool of tears (and shower water dripping from your wet hair), not quite sure where this all came from, not sure that you invited those unwanted thoughts, but also not sure what to do with them now that they are here- unsure of how to politely ask them to leave.
I’ve been reliving my number of bathroom floor moments over the past couple of weeks. Except as I’ve reflected on them, I’ve realised these very thoughts and feelings I try to shut out or ask to leave, never came from outside in the first place – my business is exactly what these moments are about. It comes from within me; grief, shame, anger, confusion, and jealousy bubbling up from within. And often it’s intoxicating.
Most of the time, I don’t feel like this. Sure, the confusing concoction of emotions I feel on any given day, in any given moment, is, well, confusing. But for the most part, I carry on with life, knowing the thoughts, desires and feelings are there but paying little heed to their weight. But there are moments – sometimes many, sometimes few – when the truth is exposed, and it is laid bare (for myself if not for others) who I really am, realising things that underpin many of my thoughts, actions and emotions: I am selfish. I fall so far short of where I ought to be. I am lazy, living only for passing pleasures. I am overwhelmed by the things I could and should be doing to make this world a better place and end up doing none of them. I am impatient and judgmental. I am ashamed of how I am and yet at the same time, unable to change.
And when I ask the world for help in these moments, it is no better. It tells me to look inward, to search within myself for beauty, pride, goodness- those things which ought to be there to remind me that, in spite of all the flaws, I am actually a pretty awesome person. But the thing is, it does not work. No matter how hard I search myself, no matter how much I fill myself with pride in being “the real me”, in looking at all my achievements and top-notch qualities, I still end up back on the bathroom floor. Even the self-pride and self-love feel wrong, somehow. Why can’t I fix the way that I am? I know I’m not supposed to be perfect, but even the imperfect-perfect me just seems all wrong. I cannot keep telling myself I’m “good enough” – I don’t have the willpower to keep doing it.
Please, world, I do not want to rely on me. You tell me I can, that I’m worth it, that if I just look hard enough, I’ll see the “perfectly imperfect” woman I truly am. But it just does not work. It is another pressure and expectation that I cannot live up to.
The thing is, it is not satisfying because it is not true; yes, I can for sure find many good qualities in myself, but they do not overcome or negate the shame, guilt, selfishness and other marvelous array of “qualities” that are in my heart. I need an answer that is outside of myself – something (or someone) that will not change, regardless of whether I’m weighed down by my wrongdoings and broken heart or (foolishly) think I am the best person in the world; something that tells the truth as it is, whilst at the same time offering a solution. “You do you” does not work for me. (And, I suspect, not anyone, really). I’ve tried it. And I am exhausted from trying- trying to fulfill all my natural desires, trying to uniquely express myself in a way that suits me best, trying to live up to the happiness standard of a society whilst boldly proclaiming that I don’t march to the beat of anyone’s drum but my own.
But the guilt, the brokenness, the shame- they all remain.
Don’t tell me I am perfect as I am. Stop tricking me into believing the wrong things I have done, and still do, do not matter so long as I can find “inner peace”. Say no more of overcoming shame with self-acceptance. I cannot deny what I experience and even know. And I think that what I experience is actually very normal. I think the way that I am and the way that I live, and fail to live, should feel wrong- because it is not the way I (or anyone) was designed to live. My self-searching and self-fulfillment is a rejection of the way I was created to live, and who I was created for.
And I do not think I am supposed to find an answer within myself.
If you knew there was a solution outside of yourself; a dependable, unchanging solution that acknowledged your flaws, shame and wrongdoings, and at the same time offered a solution to those very things that would solve them once for all; a solution that did not have anything to do with your actions, your view of yourself, or even who you are – wouldn’t you take it?
Well, there is. His name is Jesus Christ. He is the perfect son of God, and he solved my battle with myself by dying on a cross for me. I have been living outside of God’s kingdom, living under his judgement for rejecting him. No wonder it felt so wrong. No wonder the bathroom floor was my companion. No wonder I could not find the solution in myself. But God could, and he did. By taking my guilt, my shame, my sin, on himself, Jesus suffered for the things I deserve to suffer for and brought me to his Father through his resurrection, so that I can now live as I ought, and in hope knowing that the problems of this world, and the problems in myself, will one day be set right when Jesus returns a second time.
In a book of the Bible that was written after Jesus died and rose again (in real history!), the author writes “For he [God] chose us in him [Jesus] before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will.” Ephesians 1:4-5. I was already chosen, already loved through Jesus before the creation of the world- before I stuffed up, and before I tried to fix it myself. This is a freeing truth that is dependable and unchanging.
But this is something I have known and believed for many years. So why do those of us who trust this still find themselves back on the bathroom floor? I think it’s because Jesus has not yet returned; there is this time where we are waiting for Jesus’ return and everything to be put right – through judgement and salvation – but until that happens, being stuck in this tension of knowing who I am in Jesus (a holy and blameless child of God), and yet not always living like it, still stuck in selfishness, laziness, guilt, etc.
So now, I have a “bathroom floor moment”, instead of looking up to the mirror and finding an unfulfilling, temporary, changeable answer in myself, Jesus meets me there. He sits with me, reminding me of who he is, and giving me hope both in that moment, and for the eternity to come- with him, without the confusion and the tears. In his eternal and unchanging words;
“Come to me, all who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:28-29)
Come to Jesus, and he will restore you. God offers us a satisfying, unchanging answer to our confusion and grief, whether we’re on the bathroom floor or on top of the world. His grace has been sufficient for me, in a way no other thing was, whether myself or in the world. I hope it will be for you too.
The Life She Found 