Life is full of ups and downs. Sometimes it’s many ups, other times it’s many downs. Recently, my life has definitely seemed filled with a lot more downs than ups. I will spare you the details, but there has been a lot going on and many hard things to deal with and consequently my mental health has taken a turn for the worse.
This is why I am so thankful for the moments when life does seem beautiful. When I remember the comfort I find in my saviour Jesus Christ; but when that knowledge also translates into feeling and experience. This is why I rejoice in the small pockets of my day when the ED thoughts lessen, my mood lifts and I can enjoy a moment, as it is, for what it is.
One such moment I had the joy of experiencing was this evening as I was driving home from dancing. I left home feeling anxious and unsettled. But the delight of some good 50’s music and moving my body to its beat lifted my spirits and as I was driving home I felt my heart was singing, and I just began to laugh. It might sound weird to you, but for me laughing at random moments by myself is a sign of great joy. It is an outpouring of the happiness I feel in my heart of just being me, in my life, with God. So I was driving along, appreciating the physiological and psychological effects of laughing and decided I did not want to go home yet and study. I wanted to enjoy this moment, just a bit longer. And so this is what I did:
I went and bought myself some chocolatey-berry-frozen-custard-goodness, drove to the lake near where I live and sat in my car and ate the frozen custard. I did not go on my phone, I did not distract myself with a book. I simply sat, listened to some music and enjoyed this peaceful, special moment. My ED voice was not screaming at me the number of calories in the frozen custard, or the hours of exercise I would have to do later to burn it off. My mind was not dwelling on the things I have done wrong in the past, or all the ways I am not living up to people’s expectations. And my soul was not yearning after the “next best thing” in life. Instead, I was content, enjoying everything just as it was. What joy and what peace I found in this moment; when the flavours of the frozen custard delighted my tastebuds, not sent alarm bells to my mind. When the music I listened to brought calmness instead of reminding me of all the things I should be doing instead. When looking out upon the water gave me comfort, not fear. And this is why I’m not ashamed to share the photo of me in this moment. Because, whilst my eyes are squinty, my face is covered in chocolate (I know, I’m still such a child in that sense) and pimples and I am not wearing any make up, it is a moment captured where I am happy, and where the weight of the world is not laying on my shoulders. It is a moment where it is just me and God. And for those reasons, I love this photo. I will not let my ED get the best of me by picking out all the problems with it; especially the fact that there is a spoon in my mouth carrying spoonfuls of sugar into my body. Instead, I choose to embrace it as a memory of a precious evening spent enjoying the good things in life.
I know these moments don’t last forever. I know there will be more suffering to come. Even as I write these words, I feel myself slipping backwards. I can hear the voices beginning again in my head, telling me I am not good enough. But tonight, I refuse to listen to them. Instead, I am choosing to embrace life, along with all the ups and downs that it brings. I am holding onto the memory of a treasured evening. And I am living in hope that such a moment will come again.
We must grasp these small yet precious moments, as few as they may be. Even if you cannot remember the last time you felt happy, the last time your mind was free from ED thoughts, or the last time you genuinely laughed, you will experience these things again. Because God is working all things for the good of those who love him. Because you are precious and beloved. Because life is not only downs. And remember such “moments” do not have to be as long-lived nor as specific as the one I shared. Sometimes for me it is simply seeing the wattle blossoming on the street as I ride past on the bus, and smiling. Somtimes it can be hearing a compliment from a friend or stranger and realising there are people in this world who acknowledge me and think I am special. Recently, it’s been seeing the sun shining and realising I can wear shorts again. Whatever it is for you, hold onto it.
Life is full of ups and downs. I know I can’t escape suffering in this life. But in his goodness, God provides moments of beauty that give us glimpses of a true and complete joy. And these are the moments I treasure most. Not because they are necessarily made up of the best things that happen in my life, but because they are made even more beautiful in light of the downs I experience. Please do not give up if you cannot remember your own small yet precious moments. For a long time, no experience or thought I had was without the shadow of anorexia. Now I frequently experience things without its shadow, and I know you will too. For now, though, embrace the small moments that, while not completely free from your ED, are filled with more light than your usual experience of life. Hold onto the times when the ED voice dies a bit, and your true self grows a little more. I did. I still do. And in the seasons where there are more downs than up, I remember these times and promise myself they will come again.
The Life She Found 